Mom and Me

Gun is the most confused invention of mankind. No one knows why it’s been created, is it for murder or for protection. No one can justify, if the purpose of its mere existence is to save any life or to take. When you have the gun in your hand you will feel the power within but when you face it, you will feel helpless. No matter how much power you have in this world, you will feel it’s not enough. Same happened to the most influential person of the city Bhanu Pratap Singh when two of us had put the gun on his face.

“Nikitesh Verma, someone came to visit you” The voice was loud and clear.

I followed the guard to the unfamiliar corridors of prison towards the visiting area. This is the first time someone came to visit me, so I was curious. On my way, I found both my friend's looked towards me from their respective cells, I ignored them.

What caught my attention while walking was few prisoners standing with some other policemen; all of them were staring towards me. Their body language ensured that they were telling some tales about me. One of the policemen glared towards me and pointed his finger to my direction. It felt awkward to me but since no one ever came to visit me till date, so I wonder if this is kind of regular scene for someone who walks toward the visitor cell, for the first time.

We walked through a dark alley of the prison and then the guard took me in front of a door. He pushed the double door for me. When I went inside, he closed the door behind me. This cell is bigger than my cell in prison only difference it has thick chain linked fence than the iron bars. Although there is another cell which has bars similar to my cell and bigger than this one, separated by a gap of around 4 feet. The person who is visiting can come closest to the bar and the prisoner can walk up to chain linked fence and both will be separated by 4 feet. I always heard there are some Visiting Cells and Visiting Rooms in Prison, today I know why.

The door of visiting room opened and a lady walked in. I got surprised to find the person who came to visit me. Me with a surprised look said, “Mom you came to visit me at prison!!! I thought, like everyone you also abandoned me”

She comes closer towards the bar tried to touch my hand which I stretched from the fence, smiled and said “I can never abandon you; you are still the apple of my eyes”. She paused for a moment and said “I know you like apples so I bring some for you, but those policemen on the gate had actually taken all of them. They said for security reasons no eatables allowed.” She tried her best to finish this sentence with her beautiful smile.

I know, that smile is the desperate attempt to hide her tears, anger, frustrations, sadness and fear about me.  I smiled back. There are too many emotions in my mind too and just one face to hide them. We both are trying hard, not to reveal the correct emotions. I must keep the conversation rolling, to stop revealing the correct one.

Me: Does dad knows you came here?

Mom: He don’t need to.

Me: I always want you to come and at the same time I always prayed to god that you should never come here for a visit. I don’t want you to see me like this, in this dress, behind the bar. Like all other prayers, god didn’t answer this one too. You gathered courage and Dad even don’t know about it. Does sis know?

She just nodded her head while looking toward her own feet. She raised her head back and said.

Mom: Believe in God, he will definitely answer your prayers some day. Life is all about what we believe. Like they believe you are guilty and I believe you are innocent.

I exhaled a deep breath after hearing this. I looked at her, I found her totally changed since the last time I had seen her.

Me: In these few days you got leaner and aged like many years. You actually did makeup today so that you can hide your dark spots below your eyes. You now have gray hairs which were missing when we last met. Even the dress you are wearing became so loose; I remember to present this dress and it was perfect at that time. What are you doing to yourself? I believe neither you are eating nor sleeping.

She replied spontaneously.

Mom: I am trying my best to get you out of here and I already found a good lawyer for the same.

Me: Do not waste your money on lawyers. I was involved in killing of the most influential person. They will ensure fair trial will never happen. Even the other party will have the fear; if any of us speaks then they will be in trouble. Every day I fear that this will be my last day and I will never able to see you again.

The tears started rolling out from both of our cheeks. I am able to restrict the drops to one or two, but my mom started crying. Wish I could have done something to stop that. If at least, my hands could have reached out fully to wipe out her tears.  Then she said these words while still crying.

Mom: I pray to god every day for your long life. I believe in God, he will definitely answer my prayers soon.

Me: I believe in god too. I also have faith in your belief but the things don’t work always the way we wanted. You know, I wanted to become a Charter Accountant. I did everything right to become one, but I have chosen some wrong friends. I know every one of you warned me about them, I never listened to any of you. I constantly argued with all of you about this friendship I have. What so ever is happening now, I did it to myself; god can’t do anything to change that.

Mom: Please do not blame yourself. It was just a coincidence. You were just at a wrong place at wrong time.

Me: Nothing was a coincidence. I believe you do not know the whole story. The night before that incidence, Aman and Vikash did tell me they will come to my home in the morning for something and asked me to keep my car ready. I was ready after that lovely breakfast you cooked. Vikash wants to drive so I gave him the car key.

He drove it to nearby Joggers Park and instructed me to accompany Aman into the park. I was confused but never questioned his intentions because he was my best friend at that time. We started walking and Aman handed over a monkey cap to me to wear it as a mask. It felt awkward to me and I refused to wear that one. He then wears that as a mask and started walking towards the location where Bhanu Pratap is doing some free hand exercises. I just started following Aman’s speed and directions. He went close to Bhanu, took out a gun and showed it on his face. That moment I can see the most powerful person of the city was standing still, helpless and shocked so also was am I at that moment. I was speechless to find this sudden change of scenario. He pulled the trigger and shoots him just between the eyes. Everyone around us started running towards Bhanu Pratap Singh, who dropped dead in front of me.  I do not know what to do next, when the whole world around me was full of chaos, running and shouting I felt it just soundless.  Aman dragged me by my neck and collar towards the car which Vikas drove to the nearby location. I was too stiff to run; everyone around there was looking towards me. Vikash drove really fast and we are out of the scene within the moment.

You see, there were no coincidences on that day. I just didn’t see it coming. The only coincidence happened that day was unknowingly you cooked my favourite breakfast, which was the last thing I ever eaten from your hand till date.

My mom was still sobbing. She tried to stretch her arms toward me with a gesture to console me. I wish the gaps between the rooms were not 4 feet. I always love when she put her fingers through my hair but this time it’s a distant possibility due to the gap between visiting cell and the room.

Mom: I wish those guards would have allowed me the food, at least the fruits. I also had couple of spoons in front of them to prove nothing is inside the food, but they still didn’t allowed it.

Me: Mom please stop crying, in this world so corrupted someone will definitely enjoy your food, even if it’s not me. In this prison only a life can go waste, food will never go waste.

I said this with a smirk on my face.

Mom: There are times in your childhood when you can’t speak a single word, don’t know how to act but I know what you want to say. I was always able to figure out what you meant by that cry or that gibberish word you spoke. Today you have grown so much that you are beyond my understanding. I can’t understand your gestures anymore. I do not know what wrong I did. Wish I could go back and correct something.

Me: Nothing is your fault mom. You did the best you can. You always did the correct thing, it’s just I never realized. When I became fugitive with them after that incident it’s you who asked me to come back and surrender since I didn’t do anything and reveal the correct story to police. This also helped police to nab Aman and Vikash. Soon all the peoples who are involved in this crime, indirectly will also be behind this bar.

Mom: After that incident, there was no trace of you. Who so ever was present at the park, on the spot, had seen your face. Your friends have used your dad’s car, for that murder. Police traced that and took your dad into custody. They started giving trouble to the whole family. Me and your sister are been questioned almost every day. They have put a constable outside our house. He will tease your sis whenever get a chance. It’s when your call our neighbor one fine day, I suggested you to surrender. 
I have to keep my family intact. Your dad became moody and petulant after this incidence. If you or any of your friends surrender then only your Dad will have the chances to be released from those charges. I do not have any choice, but I do make your life risky. I know, I am a bad mom.

Me: Stop blaming yourself; there may be many bad sons out there but there are no bad mothers. I am also trying my best to stop blaming myself. I am recovering from the betrayal I received. Whenever I felt like not eating I imagine that you are here to feed me.  When I can’t sleep I imagine the lullaby you used to sing in my childhood. I am able to eat and sleep now. It’s happens because I imagine your presence in my mind. If my absence is troubling you then imagine my presence and you will able to sleep peacefully. This will get rid of your dark lines below your eyes. You will able to recover your health. I wish Dad and Anjali would have came here today to meet me. Next time try to convince and bring them too.

Suddenly the door from my behind opened and two men wearing mask grabbed me by my neck and started dragging me towards the door.

While they were dragging me forcefully I shouted with all my voice I have “Tell Dad I loved him. Tell Anjali I missed her, she is the greatest sis I ever had.” 

Then one of them tried to put hand on my mouth, I somehow managed to shout “I love you Mom”.

“Nikit….” She shouted desperately “My Son.”  I can see her panicked “Where are you taking him?”

They haven’t taken me farther. They just took me outside the door closed the door in front of me. They forced me to lie down on my face.

I didn’t realised while coming from that door, there is a gap through which I can still see things of visiting room. I am able see her from distance. She is trying fanatically to look beyond that door. Due to the darkness at my end, I am sure she can’t see me anymore.

I heard a heavy voice from that visitor room saying to my mother “It’s time. You have to go now”. She was now feeling Antsy and shouted “My son, they have taken him. He is innocent”. Then that heavy voice replied “Calm down madam. Your son will be fine”.

When one of those masked man trying he best to not get me up, from the corner of my eyes I can see the other man is now pointing a gun with silencer toward my back. In no time he fired a bullet on my spine.

I didn’t felt anything for a second, then I started feeling the extreme pain and it’s too difficult for me to breathe. In that very moment, I thought what will happen to my mom after my death? Will they spare my family? What will happen when my dad will know about my mom’s visit to me today? 
Wish I could at least say sorry to her for all the sufferings I caused to my family.

In that desperate moment between my life and death I put all my strength to turn my head towards the gap in that door. I can see my mom crying and murmuring something. I guess, I can lip read that. She is saying “Believe in God, he will definitely answer your prayers”.

I am feeling exhausted, so much that I am breathing blood now in place of air and few  more and then some more till I heard a lullaby in my ear. It’s the same lullaby I always imagine whenever I feel hard to sleep.  I feel my eyelids gone heavy. I guess, somehow my body and mind recognized, it’s time to sleep. Rather a very long and deep sleep.

©Tapas Majumdar, Not for reproduction without Author's permission.